You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
