I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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