I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
