I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
