I'm eating all of the evidence.
my sisters under your porch take her home
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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