Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
