what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
