You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
