My hair reeks of homosexuality.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
