i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize