I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
