A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
