i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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