Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
