The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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