Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
