Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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