omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
