im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves