if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS