If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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