I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
