I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I need water and some morals
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
