Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
