just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
