Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
