My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
