Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
