BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
