Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
