The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
