why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
