there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
