Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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