I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
