It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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