How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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