Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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