I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
