I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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