A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
