She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
