break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
