You're my little dorito
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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