Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
