I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
