Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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