Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
