You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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