I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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