omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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