Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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