life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
