My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
