Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
