Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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