I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
