Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
