best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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