There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
