I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
