I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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