I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
