Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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