I wish I could teleport
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize